Dear upset prick (biological male)

          OR

Dear upset pussy (biological female)

​

We are very sorry to hear that you have been disturbed by content that is not ours. May we kindly suggest that you try one of the following well-proven remedies :-

​

A. Put your tears (the bigger the better) and a generous amount of snot on your favourite undies. Tonight, bury the undies by moonlight with some magic beans. At first light tomorrow morning, climb the beanstalk and fuck off ! (PS - bring new undies).

          OR

B. Get a large jar of chilli sauce. Go to a dark corner in a dark place (the morgue, the basement in some weirdos house, the back of your bleak mind, etc.). Take a large handfull of sauce, put your head back, close your eyes and fuck yourself ! (PS - check the use-by date on the sauce first).